TheLionRampant.net

Last night Ezra was up a few times during the night due to teething and our dog, Francis, decided he wanted to keep licking his injured foot. It made for a long night that left me pretty tired this morning. (And each morning I wake up tired I wonder how in the world I’m going to be able to handle having an infant on top of this). I will tell you that I really don’t like mornings, or that I used to like them when I was able to get enough sleep and wake up at an opportune time in my sleep cycle. Mornings often show me the true state of myself: angry, frustrated and feeling entitled to at least 7 solid in-a-row hours of sleep.

This morning my mom watched Ezra and I went to the Ladies Community Group with church. We were discussing the sermon on Luke 5:21-39, which discusses the destruction of the Jewish temple in Jerusalem (which happened in 70 AD) and the End of the Age. For all the expected doom and gloom it was an encouraging passage as we discussed it. One thing from the sermon that resonated with me this morning was that little-d ‘destruction’ points to big-D ‘Destruction’; that is, specifically within the historical context the destruction of the Temple points to the Destruction prophesied about concerning the End of the Age. We, like the original Jewish hearers, tend to make our little-d destruction into big-D Destruction. Things in the present tend to take on cataclysmic proportions in our minds. When awoken constantly from what I hoped would be a good sleep, all I could think of was that I was tired and I didn’t deserve this.

But what I fail to remember is the big picture. If I understood that all the little destruction I deal with in life fits under a much larger umbrella, the little incidents — like getting a poor night’s sleep — would take proper dimensions and not make me into the Morning Monster feeling entitled and that everyone must bend to my wishes for a good night’s sleep. Because I obviously love Ezra more than my sleep but at the moment of being re-awoken I fail to respond with sympathy and grace but out of self-entitlement — all of which means that functionally I’m loving myself more than my son. Mothering is hard work and exhausting at this stage and it would be lovely to always sleep well. But in the midst of my little-d destruction of sleep, I pray that I would be able to see it for what it really is and learn little by little how to communicate the gospel of grace to my son, even when it means I’m bleary-eyed from wakefulness.

We are recovering over here at the Hales’ household. Bryce has been sick for more than a week and I’m nearing the week mark. Ezra got off easy with his first cold as it was over in a record 2 days. All of those antibodies in breast milk is doing his body good!

I wonder what one can do to make oneself slow down a bit. Life seems to be going at a pretty fast clip and some of that is inevitable (weekly church meetings, I’m working at home and out of the home, I still have a PhD to complete, etc.), but days just still feel busy. I hate feeling busy. I guess having a child makes life more busy (and he’s only 5 months old!) — not much time to sit around curled up in a chair with a mug of tea.

Here’s a list to leave you with. Things I’ve learned about myself since becoming a mother:
1. I need my own space.
2. A lot of mothering is just listening to your child and being confident that you know best how to meet his/her needs.
3. Many things that I used to stress out about I now stress out about less (I wouldn’t say that I don’t take things too seriously still…).
4. I appreciate Bryce so much more.
5. I don’t care too much when Ezra’s binky hits the floor.
6. I had no idea mothering took so much work and was so all-consuming.
7. Ezra’s smile can brighten my day even when I’ve had it.
8. A newborn’s (and infant’s) laughter makes everything pale in comparison.
9. I value my time away from Ezra at work on Wednesdays because it makes me that much more excited to see him.
10. I love experiencing the world through the eyes of my child.

We’ll be in Atlanta in a week for four days of being assessed for the possibility of planting a church. We’d appreciate your prayers — especially for Ezra as my mom will be caring for him for those four days (he’ll be with us during the nights). He really needs to sleep well for her and take the bottle well. I’m a bit nervous about how he’ll do away from me for 12-hour days.

Bryce and I have been invited to the PCA’s Church Planting Assessment Center and we’ll be traveling to Atlanta to be observed and interviewed for four days in about three weeks’ time. It should be interesting, enlightening and thoroughly exhausting. We’re looking forward to it! Please pray for us as we consider where God might be leading us next.

In home news, Ezra has cut his 2nd tooth and learned that when he cries “mamamamamama” that I come. We obviously have a brilliant child, albeit, quite sensitive. Right now he’s conked out next to me on the couch, and I’m flanked by Francis (our beagle) on the other side, while Bryce finishes up his sermon at Starbucks.

I had a lovely, long conversation with another mom who is also working on her Ph.D. (though in a different field) and it’s quite good to remind ourselves that the infant phase won’t last forever, that when we find parenting trying it doesn’t mean we’re bad mothers, and that we need to get out every day. We’ll be going walking together once a week and I’m looking forward to the exercise and adult conversation.

Classes have started this semester and as long as Ezra doesn’t continue to only need his mama when he’s teething, all should be well.

Things I’m pondering:
*Where the contemplation amidst motherhood, dirty dishes, laundry-to-be-done is
*How to get off my last bit of pregnancy weight by my birthday (March 30)
*When my Ph.D. will get underway again (I feel rather swamped with “dailyness” at present)
*Learning how to enjoy and appreciate the moment (knowing it’s a gift when it’s quiet and when it’s hard, knowing it will pass)